Homophobic, transphobic parents make abusive homes. Let's help LGBT kids get out | Jessica Valenti

We know that conversion therapy is harmful and that there are few good options for children removed from their parents. We need better options If a young person is being abused at home if theyre being berated, emotionally abused, or denied necessary mental and physical care by their parents we want them to

Jessica Valenti columnLGBTQ+ rights This article is more than 9 years old

Homophobic, transphobic parents make abusive homes. Let's help LGBT kids get out

This article is more than 9 years old

We know that conversion therapy is harmful and that there are few good options for children removed from their parents. We need better options

If a young person is being abused at home – if they’re being berated, emotionally abused, or denied necessary mental and physical care by their parents – we want them to have access to every available option to get out and to safety. For a young LGBT person, living with a rampantly homophobic or transphobic guardian – with people who deny, hate or try to change a child’s gender identity through punishment or coercion – means enduring child abuse.

So in the wake of trans teenager Leelah Alcorn’s suicide – and knowing the appallingly high suicide and self-harm rates in the trans community – we need more tools for young LGBT people to survive and thrive, including increased options for legal emancipation from abusive parents.

Last week, after 17-year-old Leelah died by reported suicide in Ohio, a pre-scheduled note appeared on her blog in which she wrote that she “cried of happiness” when she found out what “transgender” meant, but that she was unable to obtain desperately-needed support from her parents. We don’t know much about Alcorn’s mental health state, though her parents reportedly had her in what Alcorn termed “Christian therapy” and she referred to having depression, but the note also contained references to her parents’ anti-trans beliefs, her therapists’ denials to accept or treat her gender identity, and her inability to begin transitioning until she turned 18.

Leelah’s mother, Carla Alcorn, told CNN that “we don’t support [transgender identity], religiously.” Misgendering Leelah, her mother continued: “we told him that we loved him unconditionally.”

The harm in denying someone’s gender identity or sexuality is already evident. For example, the use of so-called “conversion therapy” – the thoroughly debunked and generally religious counseling programs claiming that LGBT people can be talked into being either straight or cisgender – is illegal in California, New Jersey and Washington DC. States including Illinois, New York and Massachusetts are also considering measures that would ban the practice.

Laws and reputable groups appreciate that “conversion therapy”, even when led by so-called professionals, is harmful: the World Health Organization has called it “a serious threat to the health and well-being – even the lives – of affected people.” But being subjected to it by one’s own parents should be seen as equally if not more detrimental to children and teens’ wellbeing.

A 2014 report from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Williams Institute at the University of California Los Angeles law school, for example, showed that suicide attempts by trans people were highest among young people – 45% surveyed attempted to take their lives. Those who who experienced “rejection, disruption, or abuse” by family members were more likely to attempt suicide than those who had not. These are not just statistics – there are lives at risk, and we need to figure out how to help those who need it.

Unfortunately, the current options for abused children are generally so poor that LBGTQ minors often fall through the cracks. Many young people who leave abusive or neglectful households end up homeless, and a 2012 study estimates that 40% of the homeless youth population is LGBT – most of whom cite “family rejection” as the reason for their status. Children placed into foster care face difficulties as adults or age out of the system, and not all foster parents are accepting of LGBT people. And emancipation requires that minors prove they can care for themselves financially – and involves a legal process not easily navigated without a lawyer.

So what can we do?

Diego Sanchez, director of public policy at PFLAG – the largest organization for LGBT people and their families and allies in the US – says that, while legal emancipation can be available for minors on a case-by-case basis, we need to be “reinforcing the strength of what’s available already”.

“Any time a person is at risk, you want to remove that risk,” he said. “But you want to replace it with something that is supportive.” Sanchez talked to me about about finding “chosen families”, and expressed sadness that Leelah Alcorn lived in a state where PFLAG chapters were available to help.

“There are PFLAG parents who readily admit they came from a place of total disdain to finding a way to say, ‘If I want to have my child alive and in my life, I need to love all of who they are.’”

David Bond, vice president of programs at the Trevor Project – which offers a lifeline and crisis services for LGBT youth – said that the young people with whom the organization talks often have fantasies of leaving home, “but what’s more common are the fantasies that parents will be more understanding”.

However, Bond told me, even just one supportive adult in a LGBT teen’s life decreases suicidal ideation. “Be consistent in that person’s life and check in in a genuine way – and don’t be afraid to ask if they’re thinking of killing themselves,” Bond advised would-be allies.

“There’s a misconception that if you ask the question you’re going to put the idea in someone’s head. But it’s more often a helpful question than a harmful one.”

Whatever the answer – and I believe more states banning so-called conversion therapy and easier legal and financial avenues for emancipation, especially for older teens, should be a big part of that – we need more action now.

“A year feels like forever when you’re young,” PFLAG’s Sanchez told me. It’s no longer good enough to remind LGBT kids that “it gets better”. We need to figure out more legal, safe alternatives for those who can’t wait that long.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255 and the Trevor Project’s Lifeline is 1-866-488-7386. In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 08457 90 90 90. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here.

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